I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
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Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.