Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw