she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?