[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”