[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.