Can’t stop laughing
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DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
it’s a van. how do they not know this
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!