I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I missed you with all my darts
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.