[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”