[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
this is what they would have looked like, though
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.