What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s