I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
If you know, you know
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Cheers Twitter.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?