Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…