my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Yup.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles