One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
what?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
every single time
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.