I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.