*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.