The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
FRED: right
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.