How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal