this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
consequences, the bane of my existence
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Kermit goes Blue.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.