Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
For those that worship cheese..
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?