Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Baller is short for ballerina
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.