The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Not today.. 😂
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am