Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage