Its a hippotatomus
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages