Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I only eat vegetarians.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.