Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
my lower back watching me try to live my life
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”