I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.