Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*