Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Happy Caturday!
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.