Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
mmm onion ringos
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.