I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
You Might Also Like
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.