Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Dance like you’re not the father
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.