[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
You Might Also Like
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear