me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.