Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Strange
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*