A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
c’mon!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Received some very disappointing news today
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Hell yeah 👍
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.