walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
What even happened today?
A Short Story.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
They did not miss in the small print
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.