I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣