5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Best mom ever 😂
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away