Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
You Might Also Like
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.