Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
You Might Also Like
“What?”
– Jude
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here