Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls