Battery falling down a hole
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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
This is my cat’s medicine.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired