“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about