for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Try and stop me.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.