Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.