*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.