A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.