Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way