Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Beware of fowl play.
Wait a minute…
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
getting corrected
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles